Just looking at his photo as I type this invokes tears. Just two weeks before this amazing spirit took his life, he came to see me at an event I had organized. I was able to hug him and speak with him but, not for long enough. I can't help thinking that if I had just pulled him aside and asked how he REALLY was, that he wouldnt have taken his life. Sam and I bonded when he was in high school. I remember vividly driving him to his friends house from a church activity. A song came on (somewhere over the rainbow) and we started singing. Then we started talking. Talking about our anxieties, our depression, our worries about impressing our families. Our doubts...we bonded.
I was able to talk to his mother in confidence about these worries, that she was full aware of, but happy that he was talking to someone that was going through the same thing. Because of this strong bond Sam and I shared, I became closer with his mother, whom I had always admired. The way he spoke of her reminded me so much of my own mother. He always spoke so highly of her and he was so worried of causing her grief. I connected with Sam. I loved, respected and tried my hardest to always be there for him. When visiting California, after their family had moved, he and I went on a long walk. This will always be my fondest memory of him. He told me everything about his life and what was going on. What always stood out to me, was his respect and love for his parents. Most kids at that age would complain about their parents being too hard on them etc. It really was his inner voice that he battled with, and I knew this all too well. I was awoken Sunday morning at 3 am by my sister, to tell me that my aunt Kay, my mothers closest sister, had suddenly passed away. I was upset. At 9 am, a close friend texted me about Sam, and I was devastated. Devastated because I knew where he was. Devastated because I know the love his parents have for him and for the loss of such an amazing spirit. His mother has become one of my dearest and most wonderful friends. My heart went to her. Even now, I wonder.....how it is that the world can continue without him? Every day, I look at people laughing and I say, HOW? How can you laugh when Sam is gone? After texting with sams mother, I went outside to sit by myself, to process...and I could literally feel my sam, jumping around me saying "it's true katie! it's true"....I havent told his mother this. Or anyone, because I dont want to look crazy but.....he could have been standing right next to me, thats how real it was. ALL our talks centered around the gospel and how we felt about it. Him jumping around me saying "its true , its true" really hit me.
Listening to my dearest friend, his mother speak about him at his memorial, and his father, has hit me.
What a beautiful life he had. What a full life he had. So many people touched. He was bigger than life itself.
Sam, I write this to you, and I say "are" because you "are" not "were".....
Sam,
You are incredible. You have touched so many peoples lives. You are an empath, do you know what that means? That means, you feel what everyone is feeling and that sometimes leads to great pain.
Jesus was an empath to the fullest degree. When i hear these stories of how many peoples lives you touched, I am SO not surprised. Just one smile or sweet comment from you could do that. People dont take the time anymore, and you know that. You honestly want to make people happy. People know if someone is insincere....you never are. You have that amazing gift of making people feel comfortable and okay. I know that when sadness hits, it hits you harder than most. It feels as if you will never be happy again. Those lows feel permanent. We used to speak about this often. When someone else is sad, you take that on...you take that on like no one understands. I do too.
I know that in that moment, you felt that there was no other choice, that no matter what anyone said, you'd had enough. I know you loved your family, and more than most, love theirs, because, you feel like not many do. You loved your parents and your family with ALL your heart. YOU are LOVE. Its because of all these feelings that you really gave your parents the run around but, that's okay. They still adore you. This life is but a drop in the bucket. I could write a novel about how much I love you and your family Sam. Alas, i will save the deep emotions for my journal.
Love you always, soldier of emotion,
Katie
1 comment:
Beauriful.
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